Fly Your Freak Flag
We're ringing in the new year at girlfriday by launching this open thread.
What plagues you?
You know. Those internal conversations you've been having all your life.
You've got 'em, and, hey, so do I. Demons. Private pains. Secret fears. Counter-intuitively, we discover that when we say them out loud we find out we're not the only freaks on this terrestrial globe.
JEB started it.
What plagues you?
You know. Those internal conversations you've been having all your life.
You've got 'em, and, hey, so do I. Demons. Private pains. Secret fears. Counter-intuitively, we discover that when we say them out loud we find out we're not the only freaks on this terrestrial globe.
JEB started it.
I'll go next.
Guilt and fear: constant companions these 31 years, with varying degrees of strength. Fear of failure (getting it wrong, facing God's judgement, disappointing friends and family) tops the list.
Your turn.
Don't be ashamed.
Happy New Year. Fellow freak.
Guilt and fear: constant companions these 31 years, with varying degrees of strength. Fear of failure (getting it wrong, facing God's judgement, disappointing friends and family) tops the list.
Your turn.
Don't be ashamed.
Happy New Year. Fellow freak.
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4 Comments:
You're only 31? Gee.
Worthless: That I'm not worth much and that I annoy people and that, because I'm such a pest and a pain they sort of grow tired of me and cut me out or ignore, or only like to be around me when I'm happy and funny, which is an indication that I'm not really worth much i.e. I'm not worth the trouble to have around and deal with all the other stuff and therefore, not worth much. A catch-22! My concept of "worth" would, of course, be tied to a bunch of other freakish issues. But I'll just go for the summary here.
Also, run-on sentences.
And that I'm three years older than you.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Worthlessness. Yeah, I've felt that, but it's not way up there. I think my mom and dad were too good at praising me.
Or rather, it's not worthlessness in other people's eyes, it's worthlessness in God's that I struggle with. It's stupid.
But I know I've got readers who, like Julie, are mega-talented, funny, and full of cleverness and empathy and still struggle with worthlessness.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
A train of thoughts . . .
. . .Will all these years of babysitting be worth it? Will the kids I've grown to love remember me? By the time I have my own kids, will my experience help me or hinder me? Should I have my own kids? Should I even get married? Will I be a good wife? Should I have kids if I'm not a good wife? Will I screw up my kids? Will they resent me for all of my shortcomings? Will I marry a guy who just looks good on paper, but doesn't make me happy? Will he make me happy, but be wrong for me? Will I marry too young? Will I marry too old? Will we make it work? Will I have done enough of what I want to do for myself before marriage? What is "enough"? Will I be able to let go of what I haven't done? If I'm the youngest, do I have to watch my entire family die? Will I get a horrible disease in my lifetime? Will someone close to me? Will my kids? Will I graduate from college? Will I get a good job? Will I pay off my loans? Will I be successful? Where will I live? Where is home? Where would I want to raise kids? Will I ever live in New York? Will I be safe there? Will I love what I do? Will I be okay if I don't? . . .
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Like Molly McGee, my "freakiness" presents itself to me in the form of questions. My theological questions would probably depress you, but *daily* I ponder the Bible's difficulties and wonder why it's not more clear (you would go crazy in my head, that's how I often I think about this stuff). I look for ways to solve the problems -- not to formulate definitive answers, but just to quiet my own mind.
Outside of theology, I struggle with relationships and rejection. How do I manage to lose so many friends? Why do they stop returning phone calls and e-mails? Can I really be that lame? Why is it so hard to get people to come to a party? Everyone else has a "group," so why can't I? Do I have the energy to change my friendship landscape? And what if the new ones just ditch me all over again? Is it even worth it to try? Perhaps my husband, my family and a handful of long-distance pals will suffice from here on out?
Friday, January 04, 2008
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